Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Dominants and submissives.

These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please visit NLA’s Domestic Violence Project web page at: http://www.nlaidvproject.us/

Red Flags:
• Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community
• Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
• Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
• Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
• Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Lies or withholds information.
• Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips

Before meeting:
• Do not give out personal information to strangers right away. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes. Set up an email address that you use only for BDSM. There will be a time when you will share your information so they can be safe too. However they do not need the information until preparing for the first meeting.
• Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times.
• When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone. Do not call collect. Your number will appear on their bill.
• Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
• Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
• Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the first date.

During the meeting:
• Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
• Try to make your first date a daytime event.
• Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
• Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date. Tell your safety net your date’s information, where you will be going and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
• Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it.
• Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
• Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM session if you are there alone.
• Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know.
• If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.

Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets.

115 ways to use and abuse faggot scum
Sit back and make him suck your dick, nice and slow.
Train him to deepthroat your cock.
Fuck his face, balls-deep, like it’s a pussy.
Cock slap him.
Make him lick your sweaty balls.
Straddle his face and teabag him.
Spit on him.
Make him clean your sweaty ass after you work out.
Make him clean your dirty hole when you haven’t showered.
Piss on him.
Piss down his throat.
Piss in his ass.
Make him drink your piss from a glass.
Piss on a pair of underwear, or a jock strap, then wring it out over his face.
Finger his hole.
Fuck his ass.
Spank him.
Paddle him or whip him.
Fuck him with a dildo.
Make him clean a dildo after it’s been in his ass, your ass or another faggot’s ass.
Tie him up and use his holes.
Smack or slap his face.
Call him names.
Tag team him with a buddy.
Gangbang him with a group of friends or strangers.
Whore him out to friends or strangers.
Make him sniff and lick your piss-, shit- and/or cum-stained underwear.
Gag him with your dirty underwear, jockstrap or cum rag when you’re fucking him.
Cum on his face.
Cum on his face and make him wear the load out in public.
Cum on his ass.
Cum directly down his throat.
Cum in your hand, and make him eat it from your hand like a dog.
Organize a bukkake and cover his face with multiple cum loads.
Make him eat your cum off your buddy’s cock.
Cum on the floor or a table and make him lick it up.
Make him drink your load(s) from a shot glass.
Cum on food and make him eat it.
Save your loads on a cum rag, jockstrap or pair of underwear when you jerk off; when the cum rag is rank and full, make him suck the cum crust out of it.
Double-penetrate him with another Top or with a dildo.
Make him suck your cock while you’re taking a shit (i.e., give you a blumpkin).
Use his tongue as toilet paper after you take a dump.
Make him eat your shit.
Make him eat his own shit.
Make him jerk off with shit.
Make him smear his body with shit.
Flick or twist his nipples.
Write names (e.g., faggot, bitch, pig, slut), pictures (e.g., a cock and balls, a pig face, a toilet) or phrases (e.g., insert cock here, with an arrow pointing to its holes) on his body.
Make him lick your dirty toilet, or a public toilet, clean.
Make him wear a butt plug out in public (e.g., to the bar, to the gym, to the grocery store).
Piss on his underwear, or take a dump in his underwear, then make him wear them home.
Fart in his faggot face.
Tie him to your toilet when you have guys over, and tell them to use him instead of the toilet.
Fuck his face until he vomits, then make him clean the puke off your cock.
Don’t let him cum.
Make him ask your permission to jerk off or cum.
Make him eat his own cum.
Make him jerk off or finger himself while you and/or your friends watch.
Make him watch while you fuck another faggot.
Position him beneath you while you’re fucking another faggot and make him lick your cock as it goes in and out of the faggot’s hole.
Make him eat your ass while you’re fucking another faggot.
Make him clean your cock off after you fuck him.
Make him clean your cock off after you fuck another faggot.
Make him eat your load out of another faggot’s ass.
Make him clean out another faggot’s ass after you’ve fucked it.
Take photos and/or videos of him servicing your cock.
Finger your ass, then make him sniff and/or suck your stink finger.
Tie his cock and balls with a shoelace.
Blindfold him when you use him.
Fist his hole.
Fuck him with a condom and make him drink the cum out of it.
Make him drink the cum out of used condoms (e.g., at a party, at the bathhouse, at the park).
Cum in his ass.
Make him fuck another faggot, or get fucked by another faggot, while you watch.
Make him and another faggot fuck themselves on a double-ended dildo while you watch.
Make him lick your feet.
Use him as a footrest.
Make him give you a massage or footrub.
Hock a loogie in his face or down his throat.
Blow your nose on him.
Shoot a snot rocket in his mouth.
Take him to a bar; when his beer’s empty, refill the glass or bottle with your piss and make him drink it in public.
Make him pee at the urinal (e.g., at the movies, at the gym, at the bar) with his pants around his ankles so everyone knows he’s a faggot.
Shave his body.
Shave his head.
Save your piss in a bucket, and make him bathe with it.
Keep him in chastity.
Decide what he wears.
Make him wear a collar and leash.
Keep him in a cage.
Make him do domestic chores for you (e.g., laundry, cleaning, shopping).
Make him sniff poppers, then use him.
If you’re uncut, make him clean and eat the smegma from your cock.
Make him wear a ball gag.
Make him crawl in your presence, like a dog.
Make him eat his meals out of a dog dish.
Torture him with hot wax.
Make him give himself an enema — with water, or perhaps your piss — while you watch.
Give yourself an enema, then release it all over his face or body.
Make him service anonymous cock at a gloryhole.
Engage him in forced workouts.
Fuck him with found objects around your home (e.g., a broom handle, a beer bottle, a carrot, a cucumber, a wooden spoon).
Make him beg for your cock.
Feed him your pre-cum.
Make him lick your sweaty pits.
Make him call you “Master” or “Sir.”
Make him wear a hood while you use him so that the only sensation he has is the feeling of your cock in his hole.
Cum in his ass, then make him fart your cum into his hand and eat it.
Felch your cum out of his ass, then feed it to him.
Make him lick you head to toe.
Make him pick your pubes out of your underwear or off your toilet and eat them.
Make him wear a puppy tail in his ass.
Make him lick your boots.
Make him do a strip tease for you.
Make him service you in a public place (e.g., a restroom, a park, your car).
Of course, there are hundreds more ways to use and abuse a faggot. If your New Year’s resolution is to use more faggots, however, i hope this list gives you some ideas for how to be successful

I am looking for as many opinions as possible, from anyone. I am not a police officer nor do I have any connections to law enforcement or any governmental agency. I am a private citizen doing research on a subject. I am not here to judge you, sting you, rat on you, whatever. I don't care if you are a sex offender, someone with fantasies, or someone who is completely against the taboos discussed in this topic. I am a former student in Criminology (the study of criminal behavior). My younger brother is a convicted sex offender, sentenced to spend at least another 15 years (his offense was non-violent, and there was no actual victim involved- he was surfing chat rooms for adult porn. Another user sent him a hard drives worth of cp that flooded his whole comp with viruses that caused a whole bunch more cp to come in automatically. The perp also attached viruses that took screenshots of the hard drive, including credit information, then ripped my brother off while he was in prison. One of the cp files had an attachment courtesy of the FBI that ended up screwing him). Due to his case, I took an interest in so called "sexual deviants" and the studying of paraphilias. For one assignment, I had to choose an offender to interview. The instructor put up a list in the class with no information, just a number. At the end of the class, the number we chose from the list was the number file the instructor gave to us. That way, we did not know anything about the offender we were to interview prior to us choosing the case (I guess this way those that were squeamish could not avoid the assignment, and those that were way too interested in the subject could not choose a specific offender they were interested in. We had to work the case, no matter what. My subject seemed to be rather normal- he was a former intern for a doctors office that treated convicted sex offenders and broken families that had been hurt through domestic violence, rape, pedophilia, molestation, etc. During his employment, it was discovered he was stealing case files from the office and using them as masturbatory materials. After several months of lifting files from the office and fantasizing, he decided to act on the fantasy. He began dating a woman with young toddler age children, and gain their trust. One day while his girlfriend was at work, he hit her two year old daughter so hard that her brain severed itself from the spinal cord due to severe whiplash. She remained the rest of her life on life support in a hospital in a coma, as a vegetable due to this. Her mother finally took her off life support at age 4. During his incarceration, the subject was diagnosed with a brain tumor that had been growing in him since he was a teenager, and had it removed. After the removal, his urges seemed to subside for awhile. But after several months, he found himself masturbating in his prison cell to the same violent fantasies as before. Concerned the tumor came back, he went in for an emergency checkup. The doctors saw no return of the cancer, and no other neurological abnormalities in the brains function, and all chemical levels seemed to be balanced. Intrigued by this, I began doing background on the subject. He lived a normal childhood, in a normal middle class family. He was a a B average student all through school, had normal relationships and friendships with peoeple in his own age group, and had no sign of severe mental illness traits in either him or his family. Aside from his conviction and sexual urges, there was nothing in his environmental or physiological traits/background that would point to his reason for these desires other than the brain tumor. I discussed my subject with a neurologist who said the tumor could have changed the chemistry of the brain, but due to current scientific limitations, this isn't showing on any modern test. A sex therapist I went to for a professional opinion saaid that though the tumor caused the imbalance and urges to begin with, the reason she believes the urges continue is due to the fact that his sexuality was de-sensitized during his experience, and this is the only way he knows and is attracted to in order to orgasm. He does truly feel remorse for what he did, and most likely will not offend again if he can maintain the minimal self control he demonstrates by keeping his fantasies as fantasies and not trying to make them reality, while continuing therapy and treatment.

When asked what he thinks of during masturbation, he began recalling the case files he stole from his previous job: the man who tied his wife to a chair in the kitchen, then called their young 1 year old toddler in the room and began beating her while the mother was forced to watch. The mother/father team who beat, molested, and eventually began a full incest relationship (including a so-called marriage ceremony when one of the girls had her first period, and the father took the daughter into a pedophilic polygamous relationship- the girl was 11) all 4 of their children since before they could walk, and were not caught until the oldest child was in her mid-20s. The other mother/father rape team- a young woman (age 24) would masturbate while watching/video recording her husband (age 27) with their daughter (age 4) beating, slapping, pulling hair, choking, throwing, and twisting/locking her joints to the point of severe pain. They apparently also filmed several child rape videos with the child. I compared cases with another student in the class- her subject was found to be in a pedophilic incestuous relationship with his 7 year old daughter. He started with her when she was barely a newborn, performing oral on her, and masturbating/ejaculating on her. When she was 2, he sodomized her for the first time, and this activity continued until he was arrested. By the time she was 3, she was performing oral sex on him. When she was 7, he raped her vaginally. During school the next day, she went to the nurse with severe stomach pains. When the nurse was examining her, she noticed a large amount of spotted blood near the childs crotch area, and had the girl admitted to a hospital. That is when the sexual abuse was discovered, and the investigation began. When interviewed in prison, he showed no remorse, guilt, or shame in what he had done, claiming that he loves his daughter in the same way a man loves his wife, and believed he was showing acts of love whenever he touched or had intercourse with the child. His background is not unusual for someone who displays this type of behavior- rough childhood, parents who abused alcohol and drugs, physically abusive father who left the family for a stripper when subject was 9. His mother eventually abandoned him at age 15 on the street, since him living at home meant she couldn't afford her drug habit. He was in and out of jail as a teenager, and was raped at 13 by an older cell mate. The girl he was convicted of abusing was mothered by a prostitute the subject was dating, and has since improved her life as a healthy and happy young adult who runs support groups, and an inspirational speaker who specializes in abused women and children.

I am not here to pass judgement, support any viewpoint or suggestion, and am looking to remain completely neutral regarding any of this. I am mainly looking at it from a scientific point of view, and have a few curiosities on the subject.
Since my class, I have had the same questions mulling around my head, so I figured I would bring them to a board where I can find what seems to be a large variety of people (both those attracted to children, and otherwise):
1. How do you feel about the idea of a relationship with a child being sexual?
2. If you are sexually attracted to children, how do you define your attraction? Is it based out of power and control? Do you feel you are loving the child?
3. What is your take on offenders whose actions were less sexual and more violent? (IE, offenders who receive sexual satisfaction or fantasy out of watching women/children be hit, cry, or abused)
4. Do you have fantasies of violence, or love when it comes to children?
5. Are the children yours, or someone elses?
6. Do you have anything in your background that would influence your opinion? If so, what?
7. Do you feel modern day society has a large influence on your decision? Follow up question- how much sex and violence have you been exposed to throughout your life? (movies, magazines, games, books, interests, etc)

Thank you for reading my study, and any answers are appreciated.