I have to confess this here because I cannot tell anyone I know:

Today, I got 2 ping pong balls stuck up my ass while my wife was at work. Today is my day off. I was in the shower playing with my (secret) vibrator and 6 ping pong balls. I had taken tons of enemas to make sure I was totally clean inside. While laying in the shower on my back, I stuck the ping pong balls up my ass one-by-one, until I had 5 in there.

The 3rd, 4th, and 5th balls sort-of sat next to each other, rather than stacking up. My colon was being stretched out and the balls were pressing hard against my prostate. I had a raging boner that I was stroking at the time. The thought came into my head, "It's like having a dog knot in my ass!" Shortly thereafter, I came. It was fantastic.

I then immediately began to excrete the ping pong balls. The first 3 went just fine. Then, nothing came out. I got to my feet, squatting, so that I could stick my fingers up there and try to find the next one. It wasn't within finger's reach.

I didn't panic. Instead, I stuck 3 fingers in my ass in an attempt to reach as far up as possible. I located the 2nd ball at the sharp turn that begins the sigmoid colon. I couldn't feel it directly, though. I felt it through some intestinal wall, meaning that it was around the turn of the sigmoid and lodged in.

I thought, "FUCK!" I knew it would be very difficult to extract it, let alone the 1st ball behind it!

After a few attempts to push it out, I decided to just clean myself up and get out of the shower. My hope was that I could identify some tools that would help me get it out, and possibly help it move downward by walking around.

I tried several things. First, I googled the medical procedure for extracting foreign bodies from rectums. There are several of common procedures. Primarily, a doctor spreads your asshole open and then tries to pry the object out manually. If that doesn't work, they will try to grab it with instruments. If that doesn't work, they might try to slip something past it, such as a balloon, and then inflate the balloon and pull the object out. There were also instances of using a vacuum device. If that doesn't work. . . Colonoscopy!

So, I found the vacuum. I decided that I had no control over the suction and that I was highly likely to rip my intestines out if I attempted to use it. However, I thought that maybe using the cylindrical hose extension might allow the ping pong balls to simply fall out. But, the ping pong balls were too wide to fit into the extension.

So, I found a turkey baster in the kitchen. I got back into the tub (so as not to make a mess) and stuck the turkey baster up my ass and pulled the plunger out. I don't think it did anything. It was small.

So, I googled the anatomy of the rectum to discover which side of my abdomen the sigmoid colon was on. This way, when I stuck something up in there, I knew which direction to turn it in order to pull the intestinal wall downward and out of the way of the ping pong balls.

It turns out that I inherited some old stainless steel surgical instruments. I don't know what they are for. They are about 10 inches long, rectangular extrusions that taper to a sharp edge at one end. All the other edges are rounded. The end opposite the sharp edge is blunt. I decided that I could use the blunt end to pry the intestinal wall down. I returned to the shower after thoroughly cleaning the instruments.

I laid down on my back and pulled my knees to my chest. I gently inserted the thinnest instrument into my ass. It went in about 8 inches. When I turned it a certain way, it would tap against the ping pong ball. I managed to turn it just right to pry the sigmoid colon's sharp corner downward and release the ball into my colon. All the while, I was bearing down as if I was giving birth. The ball began to travel down my colon. All the while I was guiding it and prying my rectum open with the stainless steel instrument. I was afraid that the ball might be inclined to go back up, so I didn't stop pushing until it finally popped out.

I was instantly relieved. However, there was still another ball stuck inside of me. I immediately returned to my feet, squatting, so that I could feel for it. I managed to get three fingers inside myself, as far up as they would go. I could not feel the ball. When I took my fingers out, I noticed a pool of blood underneath me. It was small and looked to be watered down. Perhaps it wasn't all blood.

I inserted the instrument and tried to feel for the ball. Nothing.

I decided to clean up and take a break. At this point I had spent a couple of hours running around the house looking for tools and researching how to go about extraction.

While I took my break, I paced around the house in an attempt to get the ball to move down on its own. After an hour or so, I attempted to find the ball again. Nothing. Just a small pool of blood. So, I cleaned up and I began to research again.

What happens if I can't get this thing out? Like I said before, worst case scenario is that I go to the hospital, spend a ton of money to have a doctor take it out, and never hear the end of it from my wife. By the way, she knows that I enjoy anal stimulation, but she does not participate and does not know how/when I do it. Worst-worst case scenario? Colostomy. I end up with a colostomy bag on my hip for being a fucking idiot.

I decided to drink some gatorade to make sure that I wouldn't run out of electrolytes. I then decided to eat something in an attempt to get my bowels to move on their own. Remember, though, that I had taken several enemas. My bowels were completely empty except for this ping pong ball. I then decided to drink 2 cups of coffee very quickly, since coffee is a diuretic and may cause my bowels to move. I paced the house for 10 minutes, drinking coffee.

I tried to find the ball again. Nothing. Just tiny droplets of blood.

I began to panic at this point. I was asking myself, "Why?! Why do I do this to myself?" I came to the realization that I was a fucking idiot and that I got greedy with pleasuring myself. I should never play with untethered objects. I probably shouldn't even play with dildos. I doubt anything in your ass (besides shit) is really a good idea.

So, in this moment of panic with time running out before my wife comes home from work, I decided that I should try to put something behind the ball to force it out. What could I possibly put behind it? AIR. I went and got the bike tire pump from the garage and promptly stuck it up my ass and began pumping. As air passed into my asshole, it made a fart sound. I felt my abdomen fill with air. I then paced the house for several minutes before sitting on the toilet and trying to pass the ball.

Only air came out. "Fuck!" Now, I was risking embolism in an attempt to get this thing out. Embolism is where you introduce harmful bacteria into your colon (or even other body cavities) and they cause a major infection that can kill you.

So, I really began to panic. "Why!? Why do I do this stupid shit?!"

I finally decided that the only thing I had left to do was to take more enemas. I climbed into the shower and promptly started filling my ass with water via the shower hose. (The shower head has a hose. Remove the shower head and you have a nearly perfect enema hose that's pumps water into your ass.) Taking enemas like this can also lead to embolism.

First enema was small. I squatted and released it all onto the tub floor. No ping pong ball.

The second enema was rather large. I filled myself until it began to put pressure on my abdomen. I squatted and released it all onto the tub floor. No ping pong ball.

Determined, I took a third enema. It was rather small. I squatted and let the water out. But, some air came with it. I thought, "Perhaps the air did work to some extent! If that air came from behind the ball, the ball must be moving!"

Sure enough, I felt the ball enter my colon. I pushed as hard as I could and felt it slowly descend. It finally popped out and onto the floor.

I cleaned myself up and threw all of the ping pong balls in the trash. Fuck you.

I hope you enjoyed my story of idiocy and pain. All-in-all I spent about 5 hours trying to remove these things. I only spent 30 minutes putting them in. I will continue to bleed out of my ass for several days. But, crisis averted. Please, do NOT try ANYTHING I posted here for yourself. It's incredibly dangerous and could lead to severe health problems or even death. If you get something stuck in your ass, your best bet is to go to the emergency room.