I confess... having my posts removed for no apparent reason is discouraging... I guess I won't bother any more...

I didn't sleep well and woke up early and even though I was horny, I didn't touch myself. It was weird. I knew I could, nothing was stopping me but I remembered my conversations with Sue. She said an orgasm was a reward for making a guy get a hard cock. Certainly, the only time I had a deep, intense orgasm was when I had done that. Every other time I masturbated, I could barely come at all. Maybe she was right. My most basic, primal job as a woman was to make a guy hard, to make him want to fuck me. Only then would my body respond enough to have an orgasm. Still, as I sat naked in front of my computer waiting for Sue to come online, my cunt was begging for attention. It felt wrong to be so anxious for an orgasm but I'd been horny for days and needed relief. Sue said it would take a lot of effort to dispel all the lessons society instilled in me, to accept that to find true happiness and fulfillment, I would have to become a slut. I felt so confused. I was brought up to be modest, to expect respect from men but Sue said that way of thinking was repressive. Only by letting my true inner urges free would I be happy. Listen to your body, she said. Well, my body was only able to fully respond when I had exposed myself to strangers and when I was raped. The inner conflict I felt was going to be difficult to overcome, but I had to try. Suddenly, my computer chimed. Sue was online. 'Good morning,' she said. 'Hi, Sue,' I replied, excited and nervous. 'Still, want to go shopping?' 'Sure,' I said. 'Have you been playing with yourself?' 'No, I haven't.' 'Good girl,' she said, 'do you want an orgasm?' 'Well, yeah, of course,' I said. 'You know what you have to do first, right?' 'Yes,' I said, 'make a guy get a hard cock.' It felt weird to be so blatant. 'Right,' she said, 'and the best way to do that is by flashing, by exposing yourself. Are you ready to do that?' 'I think so,' I said, 'though I'm afraid if I do, the guy might think I'm coming on to him.' 'The easy way around that is to make it seem unintentional.' 'I'm not sure what you mean.' 'It's easy. If you're dressed properly, wearing a loose, low cut top, especially if you 'accidentally' leave a button or two undone, bending over can let a guy see down your top or, if you're sitting down, crossing and uncrossing your legs can let him see up your skirt. With some practice, you can do it and he'll never know it's on purpose.' 'Ok, I guess,' I said, 'though I'm pretty nervous.' 'That's ok,' she said, 'it gets easier the more you do it. Do you have any clothes you think might work?' 'Well,' I said after thinking for a few moments,'I have a nice, blue summer dress. It's casual, fairly short, pretty loose but has snug elastic at the waist. It's quite low cut and has buttons from the hem to the neckline.' 'Sounds like a perfect flashing dress!' she said, 'you could 'accidentally' leave a couple of buttons undone top and bottom.' 'Yeah, I guess I could,' I said, starting feel hesitant. 'Great!' she said, 'give it a go, see how far you get. Trust me, the more you do it, the more fun you'll have.' 'Ok,' I said, 'I'll try. You said I should buy some sexy underwear?' 'Right,' she said, 'something cute. Sometimes wearing sexy lingerie can be more exciting than being naked.' 'Ok,' I'll see what I can find.' 'Ok,' Sue said, 'good luck and have fun!' 'I'll try,' I said before we both logged off. It took a few minutes but, finally, I took a deep breath and got up to get dressed. After pulling on a tight pair of white panties I slipped into my blue dress without putting on a bra. Looking at myself in the mirror I bent forward. Even without undoing any buttons the top of my dress fell down enough to reveal my tits. With two buttons undone, just bending a bit was enough to see everything. Undoing one button at the bottom, I moved a chair in front of the mirror and practiced crossing and uncrossing my legs. 'God,' I thought, 'so slutty.' I didn't know how far I'd be able to go but I did say I'd try. I put on my heels and got ready to leave. After smoking some pot, I grabbed my purse and stepped outside. 'Here we go,' I said to myself as I left the porch. My mind was racing as I walked to the subway station, my heart beating fast. My dress gave even less support than my tshirt and my tits moved freely but, since my dress was looser, even though my nipples were stiff, they weren't very obvious. When I got on the subway to go downtown, it was fairly crowded and I couldn't get a seat. I stood, holding on to a pole for balance, and stared out the window. I felt very self conscious and I could feel I was being checked out but tried to look nonchalant. 'Just let them look,' I said to myself. Once downtown, I went into the mall and walked to the Walmart. I was feeling overwhelmed and nervous and figured there wouldn't be any men in the lingerie department. Maybe there I could settle down, buy some nice underwear, and build up my courage. Most of the bras and panties were pretty plain and boring but one section in the corner had a nicer selection. There was no one close by and, as I browsed, I practiced flashing. Bending this way and that, it was easy to make my top open fairly wide. The bottom of my dress also rode up pretty high and, crouching to look at something on the bottom shelf, I could casually open my knees. If somebody was in the right place, they'd see right up my dress. My cunt began to respond and I began to get a bit light headed. Picking out a nice, sheer white bra and thong, I left the lingerie department. I was starting to feel out of control. I walked aimlessly for a few minutes until I came to the book aisles. Pretending to browse, I stood in an empty aisle, half hoping and half terrified a guy would arrive. It didn't take long. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man turn into the aisle, and with a quick glance, saw that he was probably about forty. He didn't seem to notice me and I turned my back to him and bent over to look at the middle shelf. I felt my dress ride up to the bottom of my ass, not enough to see much, but it made my knees weak. After a few moments I turned around, still looking at the shelf. He had moved closer, maybe 20 feet away. Facing in his direction, I leaned forward and my top opened. He edged closed. 'Oh my god,' I said to myself, 'this is really going to happen.' He edged closer still. Leaning forward a bit more, my tits were fully exposed. Bit by bit, he stepped closer. Now just 5 feet away, even though I was looking at the shelf, I knew he was looking right down my top, right at my bare, esposed tits. In my head I said, 'you want to fuck me, don't you?' I imagined his cock getting hard as he looked at my tits. My cunt clenched. I began to tremble and had to grab the shelf and straighten up to keep my balance. My heart was pounding, I felt like I was in a trance. I couldn't stop myself. Slowly, I crouched down. My dress rode up to the top of my thighs. My knees parted, first a couple of inches, then six inches. I looked up and he was staring right up my dress. Then our eyes locked and I thought I'd fall over. The lust in his eyes was intense and bore into me. Overwhelmed, I stood up and hurried away down the aisle. Back in the main part of the store, I had no idea where I was going. I just walked. My cunt was wet, tingling, my nipples sore, they were so stiff. I knew I made his cock hard, that he wanted to fuck me. I had to get home. I desperately needed to orgasm. As quick as I could, I paid for my bra and panties and headed for the subway. I was surprised how busy it was. I knew rush hour started early but the platform was so packed with people, I couldn't get on the first two trains. I was so horny I was oblivious to what was going on around me. Finally, I was able to squeeze on an already crowded train. Being pushed and jostled from behind, I struggled to finally reach the pole, ending up pressed forward against it though I didn't care, I just wanted to get home. I was so absorbed with thinking about what I was going to do at home, I ignored everyone around me, all crammed together. It took me a moment to realize someone had their hand on my ass. I wasn't sure at first, I thought it was just someone bumping against me as the train rocked. When he began gently rubbing and squeezing, I knew I was being intentionally fondled. Instinctively, I moved my hips forward in a futile attempt to escape his grasp but I was trapped by the pole and the people around me. I was stunned. An anonymous, faceless guy was openly feeling me up and I felt like there was nothing I could do. I was going to yell and make a scene but, even if I somehow figured out who it was, he'd just deny it. I'd look stupid or crazy. My head was spinning as we bounced along the tracks. I felt used and humiliated and, worse, my body was responding with passion. My cunt was still aching for attention from exposing myself. The stranger continued caressing me. As we were pulling into the next station, the hand on my ass disappeared. My relief was short. When the train started again, his fingers touched the inside of my thigh, just below the hem of my dress. As his fingers inched up my leg, I twisted my hips to evade his hand. Instead of avoiding his touch, it made it easier for him. Moving up, his hand gently ran across my panties and cupped my ass. The train rocked and quickly slowed down. People started pushing past each other to get off. His hand was gone. Since we were at a junction station, half the train emptied. I was able to step free. Turning around, I tried to see who had grabbed me but I had no idea. Maybe he left the train. Holding the pole tightly, I was flustered and ready to cry. Shamefully, I was also on the verge of orgasm. Squeezing my thighs tight, I tried to stop the tingles, and felt like everybody was staring at me and knew my cunt was wet. I felt dazed, pathetic and lost. Bewildered, I half stumbled home from the subway station. I didn't care that I exposed myself or that a random guy put his hand up my dress. I just wanted to come. I had my hand down my panties as I rushed to my room and stripped my clothes off. Grabbing my vibrator from the drawer, i collapsed on the carpet, spread my legs and pushed it easily deep into my cunt. Instantly, i started to come. Writhing on the floor, I fucked myself hard. With both hands driving the vibrator inside my body, I shuddered and froze, unable to breathe, before the final, trembling waves of orgasm exploded through me. Exhausted and spent, I released the vibrator and lay quivering on the floor. I softly sobbed, partly from the physical relief, partly from dismay at what I'd done. Eventually, my body calmed and I was breathing deeply when I heard my Mom come home from work. Hurriedly, I pulled on jeans and a sweater, fixed my hair and makeup, and went to the living room. My Mom and I chatted for a while and she knew something was wrong. Obviously, I couldn't tell her. 'I'm going up the lake to see your Uncle Johnny for the weekend. He asked me to play in a charity golf tournament at the club,' she said. 'You should come with me. It'll be good for you to get away, be at the lake, get out of the city. You haven't been yourself lately.' Well, she was certainly right about that. 'We'll be golfing both Saturday and Sunday. You could just relax at the cabin.' I had to admit it sounded good. I was feeling pretty fucked up and maybe I could collect my thoughts, figure things out. Mom was pleased when I agreed. I didn't sleep well that night and was anxious to chat with Sue. After morning coffee, I waited by computer. When she came online, I told her everything. 'Hey, you did great!' 'I don't know,' I said, 'flashing the guy in the store was good, I guess. I still feel pretty ashamed about it, but the guy on the subway, that really messed me up.' 'Gropers - LOL,' she replied, 'they always show up on crowded buses and trains. Too bad you were wearing panties :)' 'Oh god, I can't imagine.' 'Sure you can,' Sue said, 'I've been there. Sometimes I go out of my way to ride a crowded train, just to see what happens.' It was true, I could imagine. I told her I was feeling a little overwhelmed and feeling confused. 'That's natural, Lisa,' she said. 'It's a long road but worth it in the end, believe me.' 'I know, but, it's hard,' I said, 'I want to but I feel like I'm kind of failing.' 'Not at all,' she said, 'you did really well. Maybe lay low for a few days, think about things.' 'Yeah, that might be a good idea,' I said. I told her about going to the cabin and she thought that was good idea. 'But try to continue getting comfortable being naked and keep up with your cunt meditation. And no masturbation, just get comfortable.' I promised I would. She said she was going away for a few days and, since I was going away for the weekend, we made plans to chat again on Monday. I spent the next few days at home, mostly naked in heels, and kept up with my cunt meditation. I replayed my shopping trip over and over in my head and it became easier to accept. There was no doubt, once again, that acting like a slut, making a cock hard, two in fact - releasing my inner slut as Sue liked to say - inspired a deep, massive, mind-blowing orgasm.

After my experience on the subway and with the cab driver, I didn't do much for a few weeks. I was still feeling very conflicted. Dressing like I did and flaunting myself still felt shameful but I couldn't deny it was exciting. It certainly made me have a deep, intense orgasm Even though I continued to masturbate every day while watching porn, I could only achieve, soft little orgasms. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come how I wanted to, how I needed to. It was very frustrating. Hoping to help me understand what I was going through I joined an online rape support forum. It did help to know other girls were having similar issues. I became friends with one girl in particular named Sue. Actually, she called herself 'Slutty Sue.' We chatted a lot online and she had experiences much like mine and said when she accepted being a slut she was able to find comfort. That didn't really make sense to me but she gave a really good explanation. 'Being a slut has come to have a negative meaning,' she said, 'because feminism and equality are misunderstood. In the workplace and voting and such, it makes sense, but in terms of sex, it's not the natural order.' 'But both men and women share pleasure when they have sex,' I said. 'But not in the same way,' she said. 'Think about how we talk about it. Men fuck us. We get fucked. They give us their cock. We receive their cock. It's really quite different.' 'Well, yeah, that's true,' I said. 'We try to make ourselves attractive to men so they will want to fuck us. When we're successful, like you said - making a guy get a hard cock - then our bodies respond appropriately.' 'So that's why I could orgasm so hard after the experience with the cab driver and on the subway?' 'Exactly - you made their cocks hard, your body instinctively thought you would receive a cock and your cunt responded in a primal way.' 'And that's why I can't really come by just watching porn and using a vibrator?' 'Right. You shouldn't even try. You should think of having an orgasm as a reward for doing your job as a woman. Your job at its most basic level is to make a man want to fuck you.' 'Wow,' I said, 'that's a pretty interesting way at looking at things. But I don't think I can dress like that. I felt so self conscious and dirty and I'd be afraid guys would just expect me to let them fuck me. That's what the cab driver thought.' 'That's ok, it's takes time and effort to overcome everything society has taught you. You need to work at it. It took me a long time too but now I feel honored when a guy wants to fuck me. Sometimes I let them too - LOL' 'Smile - I don't think I'm ready for that!' 'I love it,' she said. 'When a guy fucks you, you feel more complete. We are empty without a man. When he puts his cock inside you, he then controls both your bodies. He takes you. You are his. Think about the standard way you get fucked, on your back, legs spread, your innermost self revealed, waiting for him to invade and conquer you. When he comes inside of you he becomes part of you forever. If you take his cock in your mouth, he is not only inside you, he controls your most basic life force, your ability to breath. Complete control. When you swallow his sperm, it is his gift to you. Its almost spiritual, on your knees, hands clasped around his cock like you're in prayer, opening your mouth to receive his blessing.' 'Wow... that's pretty wild...' I said. I was flabbergasted. 'It is,' she said, 'I can help you get there.' 'I don't know,' I said. 'I mean, I understand what you're saying but I'm pretty nervous about it.' 'Step by step, Lisa, see where it goes. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but maybe I can help you change your thinking, more importantly, how you feel.' 'Well, maybe, I guess. What do you think I should do?' 'First of all, no more masturbating! LOL.' 'LOL - ok, it hasn't been working very well anyway.' 'Then you have to overcome the shame you feel about your body.' 'How do I do that?' 'Well, it won't be easy and it will take time. First you stop covering your body up, get comfortable being naked. Whenever you're home alone, spend as much time as you can completely naked. The other thing is to wear high heels, they make you look and feel sexy. Dressed or not, you should always wear heels.' 'Why do you say that?' 'There are two purposes to heels. First they make your legs and ass look great. Second, and more subtle, they hobble you. It's an unconscious thing most people don't realize. They make it harder to walk, definitely harder to run, and so more vulnerable. Both men and women like that without being aware of it.' It was obvious Sue had thought deeply about everything. She was so confident and seemed happy, even fulfilled. I wasn't happy, certainly not fulfilled. Maybe I had been fighting my natural urges, hiding from who I was meant to be. 'Ok,' I said, 'I think I can do that.' 'Good, and I have a meditation exercise you might try,' she said. 'Ok, how do I do that?' 'When you go to bed, naked of course, lie on your back with a pillow under your ass. Pull your knees up and out, as wide as you can, and stretch your arms toward the corners of the bed. With your eyes closed, imagine a man standing over you, looking at you as you offer him your cunt. Concentrate on your cunt, picture your open cunt lips, your open hole, your clitoris, as he examines you. Become your cunt. Do that for at least ten minutes. You'll want to touch yourself, but don't. It's not time for that yet.' 'Wow, I'm not sure what to say but, ok, I can try.' 'Great!' Sue said, 'let me know how it goes. As you know, I'm online every day.' 'Sure, thanks Sue,' I said, 'I appreciate your help.' 'No problem,' she said, and logged off. I sat at the computer for a little while, feeling overwhelmed. Everything she said made sense, but it scared me too. I wasn't happy, though, and maybe Sue could help me learn how to be happy. With a deep breath, I got undressed and put on a pair of heels. Turning to look at myself in the mirror, I felt different, maybe a bit detached, as I looked at my reflection. Sue was right, somehow I felt vulnerable in heels and felt very naked but I also liked the way I looked. My tits aren't too big but they're nice and my cunt looks good shaved. Turning around, I also liked the way my ass looked because of the heels. I had some things to do, laundry, the dishes, and decided to get on with it. It felt strange to be naked as I walked around the house. Even though I was alone, I felt like I was on display. I was so focused on my body, the constant movement of my tits, the bare openess of my cunt as I bent and crouched while doing the laundry. Walking in heels seemed to accentuate my body's movement and, at times, I had to concentrate to keep my balance. Lying on the couch watching TV was hard because I was so distracted by my nakedness. I had to put on clothes before my Mom got home, of course, and after being naked all day, clothes felt strangely restrictive. It was all very confusing. When I went to bed, I did as Sue suggested and laid back, naked, with a pillow under my ass. Spreading my knees up and out, my cunt was very open and wet. Closing my eyes I imagined a man over me, staring. It made me horny and I wanted to touch myself but I left my hands stretched on the bed and just focused on my cunt, picturing my pink lips, hole and clit. After a few minutes, even though I hadn't smoked any pot, I almost felt high. My breathing was deep and I was light headed. My cunt became the center of my consciousness. I don't know how long I laid like that, the passage of time seemed dreamlike. Eventually, I fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, I put on a robe and had coffee with my Mom. When she left for work, I hurried to my room, took off my robe, put on my heels and sat at the computer waiting for Sue to come online. Thankfully, it didn't take long. I told her about my first day of nakedness and meditation. I explained how uncomfortable and on display I felt. She said that was to be expected. She seemed pleased about my meditation experience. 'Did you touch yourself?' she asked. 'No, I didn't,' I replied. 'Good girl,' she said, 'but you wanted to, didn't you?' 'Yes,' I said, feeling embarrassed. 'I'm glad you're learning control,' she said. We chatted a bit more and then I started another naked day, ending up spread on my bed, meditating on my cunt. The next couple of days were much the same, naked all day, meditating when I went to bed. 'I don't if it's working,' I said when I chatted with Sue, 'I guess I'm more comfortable being naked and certainly walking better in heels, but I'm constantly horny.' 'LOL, I think you might be a natural slut. I didn't say you wouldn't be horny,' she said, 'you're just learning self control.' 'Oh, ok,' I said, 'because I really, really want to masturbate.' 'Slut! LOL,' she replied, 'remember, an orgasm is a reward for making a guy's cock hard.' 'I know,' I said. 'But you really want to come, don't you?' 'Well, yes,' I said, suddenly feeling ashamed. 'So, you want to make a guy's cock hard?' 'I guess that's what I need to do.' 'Good girl, you're learning,' she said. 'Tell me,' she continued, do you have any really sexy underwear?' 'Well, nothing too special, I guess.' 'Can you go shopping tomorrow?' 'Sure, I could.' 'Great!' she said, 'let's chat in the morning. I think we can be sure that by the end of day you can have the orgasm your slutty, little cunt needs.' 'Ok, thank you,' I said. Just knowing I might get to come the next day, my body began to react, my cunt getting damp and clenching. When I went to bed to meditate that night I had a hard time keeping my hands off my cunt. Lying there, spread open, wet, I was almost having soft, little orgasms without touching myself. Unable to control; myself, I really did feel like a slut.

After my rape, my life changed. I dropped out of college and quit my job. I was afraid to be home alone so when my parents went to work, I would ride the subway for a few hours or walk around aimlessly downtown or in a park. Sometimes I'd go to museums and art galleries. I stopped wearing makeup and just tied my hair in bun. I didn't want to attract any attention so I only wore bulky sweatshirts and sweatpants. I hid from anything sexual and was too ashamed to touch myself. After a few weeks my parents sent me to a psychologist downtown a couple of times a week. Soon, I was getting more comfortable to be alone at home. She told me I was a beautiful, young woman and should dress more appropriately. It was hard at first but I started wearing skirts and nice tops again, doing my hair and wearing makeup. I still didn't like being looked at by guys but she said I should be proud and accept those looks as compliments. She even told me to masturbate. She said sexuality was important. I tried masturbating like she said but I felt dirty and ashamed. I could never get close to having an orgasm. After a few weeks of trying, the psychologist gave me a vibrator. She said it might reawaken my natural sexuality. I was surprised but willing to try. On the way home I felt like everybody on the subway knew I had a vibrator in my purse. I felt very embarrassed and hurried home. I got undressed and turned the vibrator on. It felt good on my cunt but all I could think about was my rape and maybe I got closer to orgasm but never came. My psychologist said I should relax and try the vibrator every day. I did as she said and over a couple of weeks it got better but I still felt dirty for doing it. I figured she was the professional so kept trying. I thought maybe watching porn would help so I started exploring the internet. Sitting in front of my computer, fucking myself with my vibrator while watching porn felt so wrong but I started having orgasms, nothing too intense, but soft, little orgasms. I was definitely drawn to girls being fucked hard and there was so much porn like that, I wondered if that was how it was supposed to be. All the girls seemed eager to show off their bodies and seemed to enjoy being sluts. Since they all shaved their cunts, I decided I should too. It definitely made my cunt more sensitive but I still couldn't make myself have a really good orgasm. After a couple of months, my dad moved out. He said he couldn't take my emotional outbursts. Sometimes I would just breakdown and cry. I felt guilty for making my parents split up. My mother tried her best. She let me go shopping pretty much whenever I wanted and even though I started smoking pot and drinking, she didn't say anything. I was still riding the subway alone and going for long walks but now I was dressing better. I even started trying to look sexy, wearing shorter skirts, more revealing tops. It still made me cringe when guys looked at me but I kept telling myself it was a compliment. It was obvious, though, that guys only paid me attention when I looked good enough to fuck. It occurred to me that if a guy wanted to fuck me, he'd have a hard cock. Maybe a hard cock was the best compliment of all. My psychologist said, deep down, we all want to be complimented. Some people get compliments because they're smart or successful or talented. Since I was none of those things, I decided the only way I could get complimented was making a guy get a hard cock and want to fuck me. Sure, it was degrading, humiliating, but maybe I could be good at it. The next day, after my mom went to work, I got dressed to go out, hoping I could make a guy get a hard cock. I put on my shortest jean skirt and tight white panties and was going to wear a tight, white tshirt but the only bra that looked good with it was in the wash. 'Fuck it,' I said to myself and pulled the tshirt on with no bra. It would be the first time since I started wearing a bra that I'd be outside without one. In my mom's room I found a pair of her heels and slipped them on. I was unsteady on my feet when I looked in the mirror. I definitely looked more like the sluts I watched on the internet. I had to smoke a bit of pot to get the nerve to go out. Finally, I took a deep breath and stepped onto the front porch. Walking down the street I was hyper-aware of how my tits jiggled with each step and, looking down, realized my nipples, getting hard now, were pretty obvious. Suddenly, I was terribly self-conscious and didn't think I could go on but a voice in the back of my head urged me forward. When I got to the subway station I could feel people looking at me but I just stared straight ahead. I thought it would be too overwhelming to go downtown because there would be too many people. I decided to take the train out to the suburbs where it would be less crowded. When I got down to the platform there were only a few people waiting. One guy in particular who was waiting, an average looking 30-something, blatantly checked me as I walked past him. Our eyes met briefly which made me feel uncomfortable and I just put my head down and walked toward the other end of the platform. The train came in and as I turned to step through the door I realized he had followed me and he got on the train behind me. I sat down and he took the seat directly opposite me. Looking up, he gave me a big grin. I tried to look confident and gave him kind of a half smile, then had to look away but as the train pulled out of the station it was obvious he didn't take his eyes off me. I sat motionless as his eyes moved up and down my body. With every motion of the train my tits jiggled, not a lot, but much more than they would if I was wearing a bra. A quick glance down confirmed my nipples were obvious to him. 'I bet he wants to fuck me,' I thought and I felt uncomfortable but tried to remember it was a compliment. I wondered if his cock was hard. Peeking from the corner of my eye I could tell he was looking at my legs, probably hoping to see up my skirt. As the train made a few more stops the car became almost empty though the man opposite remained. He kept staring and I realized I was getting horny. My cunt was getting moist and my nipples were stiff. Part of me wanted to curl up and hide but part of me wanted to lift my top and spread my legs, show him everything he wanted to see. I was ashamed to have such thoughts but I couldn't escape them. 'Only a slut would think that,' I said to myself. The train pulled into the last station and I got up and stood by the door. He came to stand right behind me, almost touching me. It made me shudder. He followed me down the platform and I felt unsteady and concentrated on keeping my balance. He got on the escalator behind me and I knew he was looking at my legs and ass. When we got to the top I didn't know what to do. I was planning to walk to a local park but I was afraid he would follow me. That scared me. I stood at the exit pretending I was waiting for someone. I hoped he would leave but he just leaned on the wall 10 feet away, looking at me. I felt trapped. After about 10 minutes I knew he was waiting to see where I would go. He wasn't trying to talk to me or pick me up. He was just watching me, waiting. Finally, I stepped outside to see what he would do. Sure enough, he followed me. There was a line of taxis at the side of the subway station and, thankful for an escape, I walked toward them. The drivers were all standing in the shade by the wall and one came out as I approached the taxis. 'Hello,' he said, opening the back door. He was an older Muslim man and gave me the same grin as the guy on the subway. 'Hi,' I said, uncomfortable as he leered at me. As I got in the taxi I struggled pull my skirt down but he definitely got a glimpse up my skirt. The way he stood, leaning forward when he held the door, I could tell he had done that before. As he walked around the taxi I looked out to see the guy from the subway against the wall, still watching. I realized I was trembling. In the small taxi, I found it hard to sit without exposing myself. My skirt was short and tight and with heels on, my knees were up high and I was too close to the front seat to comfortably cross my legs. The driver got in, turned to look at me between the front seats and smiled. 'Where pretty lady want to go?' he grinned. His eyes were all over me. I gave him my address and we pulled out of the station. As we drove, he kept turning around to look at me when he talked, locking his eyes on my tits, jiggling when we hit bumps, or looking at my legs as I struggled to keep my knees together in the swaying taxi. 'You go to boyfriend's house?' 'No,' I said, 'I don't have a boyfriend.' 'No boyfriend?' he said, 'sexy lady like you need boyfriend.' He grinned. I thought I could see his hand had moved to his crotch. In shock, I thought, 'he's got a hard cock and is rubbing it through his pants.' It was disgusting but my cunt clenched and moistened. There I was, feeling half naked, alone in a taxi with a driver playing with himself. It was humiliating but there was no doubt it was turning me on. 'Maybe I be boyfriend today?' he said, turning to leer at me again. I felt scared. He definitely wanted to fuck me but I suddenly felt very vulnerable. 'Remember, a hard cock is a compliment,' I said to myself. I wasn't ready to fuck anyone, certainly not an old, Muslim taxi driver, but my body was responding to his attention. 'No, thank you,' I said, trying to be polite. 'But you so pretty to look at,' he said as we stopped at a redlight. He turned to look at me and wasn't even trying to hide the fact he was rubbing himself. 'Maybe you show me,' he said and reached out, put his hand on my bare knee, and quickly nudged my knees apart before I quickly closed them tight. 'No, please don't do that,' I said, pushing his hand away. I was stunned. A horn honked behind us and the cab driver turned around and started to drive. Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes and I felt a bit light headed and uneasy. 'I'm sorry,' I said, 'I'm shy.' I don't know why I was apologizing. He should have apologized to me but, for some reason, I felt it was my fault. If I wasn't dressed like a slut he wouldn't have done it. I kind of deserved it. 'It's ok,' he said, 'but you dress like that, men look, they think things, like maybe you want to do a sex fuck. You not fair.' I didn't know what to say. My head was spinning with emotions. I felt guilty, dirty, horny, ashamed. He was right. I wasn't fair to him or the guy on the subway. Certainly, dressed like I was, guys are going to look. Afterall, that's what I wanted and it made my cunt wet and tingly. I was being selfish. A few minutes later we stopped in front of my house. He turned around so I could pay him and his eyes were all over me again as I took money out of my purse. I handed him some bills and, almost like I was in a trance, leaned back, opening my legs a few inches. 'Is this what you wanted to see?' I asked, whispering. 'Oh, pussy, pussy,' he said with a grin, and put his hand on the inside of my knee and gently pulled my knees wider. My cunt was on fire as he stared right between my legs while groping himself. I reached up to pinch my nipple as his hand creeped up my thigh and my legs parted wider. Suddenly, I heard a dog bark and looked up to see my neighbor walking her dog down the sidewalk toward the car. 'Oh, god,' I said, snapping my legs shut, and clambering out of the taxi. I was tugging my skirt down while holding my purse to my chest to hide my nipples. 'Everything ok, Lisa?' she asked. 'Oh, hi, Mrs. Jansen,' I said, flustered, 'fine, just in a rush.' I hurried up the walk, afraid to look back at the taxi driver or Mrs. Jansen. It was humiliating thinking my neighbor had seen the taxi driver put his hand up my skirt but, at that moment, I didn't care. I had to masturbate. I ran to my room, grabbed my vibrator and pulled my panties off. Flopping back on my bed, I jammed the vibrator up my cunt. I started to come immediately, rocking back and forth as I fucked myself. The orgasm started deep inside and exploded right to my head. Driving the vibrator in and out, I cried out, 'fucking slut, fucking slut, fucking slut.' My hips bounced and rolled with every thrust until, panting, the last quivers ran through my body. Lying back, the vibrator still inside me, I started to cry. I don't know if it was because I had degraded myself in front of two strange men or because finally, finally, I was able to have a strong orgasm. Probably a bit of both. I was ashamed I had to expose myself to strangers to get horny enough to come but it was such a relief to, at last, have the orgasm I tried so long have. As I laid back on my bed running through the day's events I was scared my life had taken a dangerous turn. I knew what I had done was wrong but I felt I was heading down a road I couldn't get off.

When I was 18, my rapist took my virginity and gave me my first orgasm. My psychologist says my rapist treated me as a sexual object which made me feel worthless and ashamed and that's why I have low self-esteem and engage in risky, degrading behavior. Maybe that's true. Or maybe I am just worthless. I don't know. She said I needed to accept and be open about my past in order to heal and I needed to share my experience so I could accept it. She said to write it down but I don't have anyone I trust to share it with so I guess I'll put it here. I had just come home from my part time job at the mall and, because my parents were away for the weekend, thought I was going to have a quiet night. I went to the kitchen to get a snack and put my purse on the table. As I turned toward the refrigerator he jumped from behind the kitchen door and pushed me to the floor. Before I could scream I was on my back and he was sitting on my chest holding a knife to my throat. 'Don't make a fucking sound, bitch, or I'll cut your fucking throat,' he sneered. Terrified, I just nodded my head. Even without the knife, I could never fight him. I'm pretty small, 5' 3", and he was huge. He was wearing a black burgaler's mask and all I could see of his face was his bulging, blue eyes and his evil grin. I thought he was a robber and if I did what he said he wouldn't hurt me. My whole body was shaking with fear. 'I'm going to let you up but if you run I will catch you and kill you, understand?' he said. I nodded my head and he let me up and I stood with my back against the refrigerator. He stepped back and looked me up and down. 'Hmm,' he said, 'you are a sweet, little cunt.' The word 'cunt' made me cringe. I hated that word though I use it all the time now. I was fighting back tears as he pulled out a kitchen chair and sat in front of me. 'I was just going to rip off your electronics but now,' he paused, 'now I'm getting other ideas. I think we can have some fun.' Beneath his mask, he had an evil grin. I began to realize I was in big trouble and had no way to escape. 'Nice, white blouse, cute little skirt, you look so sweet and innocent,' he said, 'but I bet you're not so innocent, are you?' 'I don't know,' I said. I could barely speak and just whispered. 'Well, we're going to find out,' he laughed. My knees went weak and I felt sick to my stomach. He was going to rape me and there was nothing I could do about it. 'Take off your blouse,' he ordered. 'No, please...' I begged. 'Take off your fucking blouse, cunt,' he demanded and raised his knife. I was afraid if I didn't do what he said, he'd rape me anyway and if I made him mad he might kill me. I decided the best thing I could do was make him happy. I began to cry and unbuttoned my blouse and slipped it off my shoulders. 'Oh my,' he said, 'nice tits. That little bra barely holds them.' He was staring directly at my chest. I never liked the way guys looked at me but this was the worst. I felt like a piece of meat. 'Now the skirt,' he said. Staring at the floor, I reached behind my back and pulled my skirt's zipper down. Barely able to keep my balance, I wiggled out of my skirt and let it fall to my feet. 'Fucking nice,' he said. I looked up and was shocked at what I saw. He was unzipping his pants. When he took his cock out, I thought I might faint. It was huge. I'd never seen a cock before and it scared me. The biggest thing I'd ever put in my cunt was my finger. If he raped me I was afraid his cock would rip me apart. He slowly stroked the thick shaft and said, 'time to show me your tits, bitch.' 'Oh, god,' I said softly and unclasped my bra, paused and finally, resigned, let it fall. 'Fu-uck...' he said, 'sweet... look at those fucking nipples. They're hard, sticking out perfectly.' He was right and it confused me. My nipples usually only did that when I masturbated. I wondered if it also happened because of fear. 'Show me how you play with them,' he growled as he continued stroking his cock. 'What?' I asked, unsure if I heard him right. 'Are you stupid? I said play with your fucking tits!' Humiliated, softly crying, I began to fondle my tits with both hands. Despite my fear and disgust my body seemed to be responding sexually. What is wrong with me, I wondered. 'Ok, my sweet, little bitch,' he said, 'I gotta see that cunt.' 'Oh, no,' I said, under my breath, and began to pull my panties down. Finally, trying to control my sobs, I stood naked in front of the masked intruder. 'God,' he said, 'your body has made my cock hard as rock. Your tight, little body was made for fucking. Now come here.' 'No, please,' I begged through my tears. 'Get over here!' he yelled and I stumbled forward to stand, trembling, beside him. Still sitting on the chair he silently took my hand and wrapped it around his cock. It was hard and warm and he moaned as he moved my hand up and down. With his other hand, he pushed my thighs apart and slipped his finger just inside my cunt. My head went blurry and I began to quiver. 'You fucking slut,' he said, 'you're cunt is fucking soaked.' He was right. My cunt was soaked, wetter than ever before. It was tingling and clenching in a way I'd never experienced. He pushed his finger deeper and I groaned as my hips started to move in time with his finger. When he rubbed my clit with his thumb, I gasped, 'no, please don't,' but he was sending shocks of pleasure through my cunt. Even when I masturbated, I'd never felt anything so intense. I sobbed in shame as he continued to finger me and I gripped his hard cock, moving my hand up and down. 'Let's go,' he said, pulling on my wrist until I stood straddling him. 'Please don't do this,' I begged. 'Shut the fuck up,' he snarled, 'get that cunt on this.' He held his cock straight up and I lowered my hips until the head slipped between my cunt lips. My head was spinning as I pushed down. It hurt but my cunt, slippery with juice, opened and stretched until I had two inches inside me. I didn't think I'd be able to take anymore but as soon as he grabbed my nipples and pinched, the pain sent shocks to my cunt and it opened more. Through the blurry haze and shocks of pain and pleasure, I realized I was fucking him. My hips were moving instinctively. With my feet flat on the floor I rode up and down his cock. 'My god,' I thought, 'he's not raping me, I'm raping myself.' I was disgusted with myself but couldn't stop. My hips, out of my control, were rocking and thrusting, taking him deeper and deeper until I felt a sudden, sharp pain in my cunt. I knew he had broken my hymen and my cunt opened wider. I cried out in pain and he grabbed me by the hips pulling me down hard on his cock. I gasped for breath, writhing and wiggling on his lap, out of control and knew I was going to come. Then, suddenly, he spanked me. My feet came off the floor and I was completely impaled on his cock. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he spanked me hard with one hand and slapped my tits with the other. I bounced up and down like a rag doll, sobbing uncontrollably. 'Come on you fucking slut!' he snapped, 'come on!' He kept slapping and spanking me. Waves of pain and pleasure coursed through my body until he suddenly lifted me in the air, spun me around, and bent me face first across the kitchen table. Before I caught my breath, he pushed his cock up my ass. 'Nooo!' I cried out in pain. He grabbed me by the hair and drove deep inside me. Again and again he thrust into me. 'Take it you bitch!' he yelled. Trying to escape his grasp I begged, flailing my arms, knocking my purse to the floor with a loud clatter. He laughed, pulled out and pushed me on my knees. Reaching down, he picked up my phone which had fallen from my purse. I looked up at him in horror. 'Smile, cunt,' he laughed and took my picture with my phone. Holding his cock he said, 'now open your mouth.' 'Please... don't... I've had enough,' I sobbed. 'But I haven't,' he said, grabbing me by the hair and pulling my face to his crotch. I opened my mouth. He stuck his cock in and, with his hand pushing on the back of my head, pushed his cock to the back of my throat. Just as I thought I would gag he pushed again and my throat opened up and took his cock. Time seemed to stop. I couldn't breathe. My head was blurry. The only thing I was aware of was his cock in my throat. Then he started to fuck my face. With his hands on the back of my head he pushed in and out. 'Oh, fuck,' he moaned, 'you're a natural born cocksucker.' Every time his cock came out I gulped for air and then he pushed in again. Globs of saliva spilled out with each thrust. He pulled out and rubbed his cock and balls all over my face, smearing my spit on my skin. Then he said, 'open!' On my knees, I looked up and opened my mouth. He was stroking his cock with one hand and holding my phone with the other, taking pictures. Finally, he let out a deep moan and began to come. His semen spurted out, across my face, across my tits and into my mouth. I was surprised how hot it was. I swallowed. And he kept coming, spurting and spurting all across my face, in my hair, my forehead, my eyes, my tits and more in my mouth. When he finally stopped he put his foot in the middle of my chest and pushed me back on the floor. I thought my assault was over. i was wrong. He held the phone over my face and took another picture and made me look at it. It was disgusting. My face was covered with a mixture of tears, sperm and saliva. My makeup was smeared into sticky streaks. Then he spit in my face, laughed, and took another picture. He stood up, I rolled on my side and cried. As I tried to catch my breath, he stood up and stepped to the counter. I thought he was leaving but he turned around and I realized what he was doing, He held a bunch of bananas in his hand. With a laugh he knelt beside me and stuck one in my mouth. Then he pushed me on my back, spread my legs and knelt between my knees. 'Guess where these are going?' he asked with a grin. I knew. I was thankful my asshole was covered in cunt juice. The banana hurt but it slid in my ass easily. Then he pushed the second one into my cunt. He fucked me with the bananas, pushing and pulling, in my ass, in my cunt, and my body responded. I moved with his thrusts, fucking back against his attack. 'That's what you need, all three of your fuckholes filled,' he laughed. He pushed the bananas faster and deeper and my hips lifted off the floor. I started to come. 'You filthy, fucking whore!' he laughed. I was ashamed, humiliated, confused. I cried as I came. How could my body respond like this? At last, it stopped. Leaving the bananas inside me, he stood up, towering over me, and took another picture. 'I'm taking your phone,' he said. 'If you tell anybody about this, I'll send these pictures to everyone on your contact list. I'm sure your mother will be proud of her little slut.' Through his mask, he smiled, spit on me again, called me a pig, and was suddenly gone, leaving me crying on the floor. I don't know how long I laid there but eventually I got on my hands and knees, dropped the banana from my mouth as the other bananas slipped out of my cunt and ass with a slurping sound. Pulling myself up I stumbled down the hall, falling down on one knee a few times, one hand on the wall trying to steady myself, and tumbled into the bath tub. I turned on the shower, curled up in the tub, and sobbed as the hot water splashed over my naked, shivering body. I knew my life had changed forever.